When my wife went back to work half-time I rearranged my schedule so that I could spend one morning a week at home with my son. My wife stayed home with our baby for the first year and we were both excited about the idea of me having more time with my son. It was a chance for me to be an even greater part of raising him, and came with the added benefit of saving us an extra day of daycare.
This week, my wife’s work schedule got shuffled and so I got to stay home for a full day. I packed my son into the car first thing in the morning and headed out to a local state park to spend the morning hiking the trails and splashing in the lake. For an hour or so, we were the only people there and I enjoyed sharing the solitude of that place with him as he explored shoreline of the lake.
Inevitably he got soaked playing in the water, and so, it was about mid morning, just as other people started to arrive at the park, that I propped him up on a nearby picnic table to change him into dry clothes. As I put on a new diaper a woman walked by and with a smile said, “Are you playing Mr. Mom today?”
At first I was taken aback by the comment, but as I thought about how often I hear people say that to me on my mornings with my son, I grew increasingly frustrated.
Why is it that, for so many people, seeing a man caring for his child is still a surprise. Why is it treated like a game, as though I’m just “playing house?” And why is it that people can only understand a father nurturing his son through the frame of “Mr. Mom.”
The term “Mr. Mom,” even when used in a joke or with a wink, perpetuates a whole range of stereotypes about men, fathers, and families that continue to haunt American culture in powerful ways. It reinforces the notion of women as the nurturer and men as the breadwinner, and suggests that for men to be caring and nurturing they have to put on a persona other than just simply being a dad. As if by caring for your child or being nurturing you are not being a father, you are being a surrogate mother. In addition, it constructs the ideal family unit with men at the margins, suggesting their relationships with their kids is not as important and the relationship between mother and children.
This isn’t just limited to one or two passers-by at state parks and on street corners. The “Mr. Mom” meme is pervasive – sitcoms, commercials, pop songs, movies. Even in the “progressive” parenting magazines we get at home, instances of stay at home dads or fathers acting as an equal part of the parenting effort are treated as special cases, worthy of extra praise and attention.
Don’t get me wrong, its vital to celebrate and highlight men who are embracing their roles as caring fathers. We need to promote new images of masculinity and new ideas about families and parenting, but we need to do so in a ways that breakdown old roles, not ways that reinforce stubborn stereotypes. We can’t just redefine good fatherhood as a mimicry of motherhood – that’s not fair to either parents. We need to talk about fatherhood in new ways and honor men, not for being mother-like, but just for being good dads.
As the American family changes – growing richer and more complex – we are seeing single parent households, same-sex house holds, extended family homes, homelessness, adoptive families and more. Irregardless of the shape, size, and scope of the family – our children need mentors and role models, love and attention, support and guidance, tenderness and firmness, laughter and encouragement, and more. None of this is the sole province of a mother or a father.
I’m not playing Mr. Mom. I’m just being a dad.
Josh Stearns 
my highschool sociology teacher (whos class really inspired my major) talked about this too. There was a time when he was the stay at home parent. He loved it. When he went out shopping with his kids people would often say “playing mr. mom?” or “how nice its dad’s special day” (implying it was his time with parental custody) he went off on a 20 minute rant about it. Its so insulting it sickens me.
When my wife first returned to work after having our son, her boss asked her if I was babysitting. She responded, no, he’s parenting. It’s not babysitting when you are taking care of your own child.
Check out this piece in today’s Boston Globe about our nation’s approach to maternity leave – it is telling, and troubling.
“Maternity leave ruling shows how little childrearing matters to society.”
I hope we can also expand this discussion in terms of family or parenting leave as well. It would be ideal to have a system in which both either or both parents could be supported to stay home and help raise their new child in those early months.
http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2010/08/15/family_values/?camp=localsearch:on:twit:rtbutton
“Yep, just *playing* Mr. Mom today. Definitely *playing* when I change diapers, comfort a crying infant, hold a toddler’s hand, take the kids out for a walk, do some grocery shopping, rock them to sleep, wake up in the middle of the night to discuss the implications of the pending thunderstorm… Yeah, I’m just *playing* at this.”
One more relevant article:
“In Sweden, Men Can Have It All”
Alas, where would you put it?
Bravo, Josh. I couldn’t agree with you more.
I often receive prolonged stares and funny looks while I’m out (sans wife) with my daughter. Particularly when she’s traveling “up front” with me in our babybjorn.
None of this really phases me, though. This is because when my daughter was first born a friend told me something important. He said that I should make sure to love my kid a lot. At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.
I was raised by my dad, and I’m sad to say that the level of respect men get as parents hasn’t risen in the decades since he was doing it.
My husband Evan and I have two children, and although he is frequently at their school, people at the school bypass him when it comes time to ask questions or make decisions — they assume they must talk to me.
In 2008 I participated in an entrepreneur-in-residence program and moved two time zones away from my family for three months. When I returned, a local publication that will remain nameless wanted to do a story — on my husband. Because, OMG, men taking care of children, it’s NEWS! Oy.
If this is of interest, check out the book “Equally Shared Parenting, and follow @anniefeighery on Twitter — she and her husband John are profiled in the book and recently did a talk about it at the 92nd Street Y in NYC.
Hi Josh-
Enjoyed reading this piece. I think it would fit great with the material we have on The Good Men Project Magazine (http://goodmenproject.com/).
Send me an email at: sar.e.hurley@gmail.com if you are interesting in learning more.
Many thanks.
Sarah
More great debate on some relevant issues over here:
http://daddy-dialectic.blogspot.com/2010/08/why-i-dont-want-to-be-called-stay-at.html
Good to see others questioning the rhetoric of our families.
I can’t track down the relevant segment right now, but Tell Me More (radio program on NPR, weeknights at 8 on WXXI 1370) had a panel of dads a week or two ago talking about these issues (focused more or less on paternity vs. maternity leave).
This show is great for honest, even-handed discussions of these kinds of gender issues, in general.
http://www.npr.org/programs/tell-me-more/